Caregiving Crisis: Tired Mom Summer
It's hot! We're exhausted! There's no more school! Everything you need to have the Tired Mom Summer of your dreams!* (*Not guaranteed)
Hey everyone,
Team, we did it. We made it to summer (for those in the northern hemisphere), and for many of us with kids in school, we finished the damn school year.
To honor the arrival of summer and making it through to the other side, this issue is devoted to what I’ve been calling Tired Mom Summer. You’ve seen the Hot Girl Summer memes. Now let’s tone it down. Waaaaay down. We are tired. We need a break. This pace was untenable in the Before Times and it’s certainly not something we can keep up with now.
This is a good time to announce I will be taking a Caregiving Crisis hiatus during the month of July. I’ll be back August 6.
No huge plans for my time off. I’m simply hoping to give myself more downtime and be more purposeful about it. This includes planning out the content I’ll consume this summer, to fuel my angst and get me learned up and ready for all that comes ahead. So you’ll see in this issue what I plan to read/listen to/watch as I pull back. There’s also recommendations from some Caregiving Crisis readers, too.
I plan on pulling back — for a bit — so I can push forward. It’s not a reset. I don’t think many of us are capable of resetting. There’s simply too much going on, too many jobs we have to do, often simultaneously. There’s too much of everything.
But we can pull back and slow down. Even for brief bursts of time, here and there. It makes us that much more powerful later. Rest and ‘self-care’ (oh how I do not like that phrase), need not mean spending gobs of money for a week away, or even hours being pampered.
Instead, there’s the concept of purposeful rest — which I learned of in a course about managing your energy this year. It’s a simple idea but eye-opening: you can’t operate at 100% (or more, for many of us) all the time without resting. You’re either going to have intentional recovery (refuel, relax, self-care) or forced recovery (aka burnout). Recover with intention at regular intervals, you’ll (hopefully) mitigate burnout and have that much more energy to do what you need to do. Don’t recover regularly and that recovery will be forced upon you in the form of exhaustion. We’ve all been there. Many of us are there now.
We’ve all dealt with so much. I see you. There’s still a long road ahead for so many of us, and certainly for our broader society. I hope you’re able to find moments of respite in the coming weeks. And I look forward to picking up with this same crisis in August.
I mean…it’s not like the caregiving crisis is going to be solved in a few weeks, right? It can wait.
Be well and see you soon.
Actually We’re Going to Do Some News First
NEWS WATCH: ROUNDUP — Keeping tabs on legislation, regulation and conversation. We’ll make it snappy:
Washington reaches bipartisan agreement on infrastructure plan but childcare still has to wait. The human infrastructure elements of the full $4 trillion plan may have a path to fruition — but not now — the AP reports. A pared down $1.2 trillion (over 8 years) plan reached in a deal that still likely faces many hurdles includes: roads, power, broadband, public transit, etc.
Is the caregiving infrastructure plan even enough? Many feminists say it's an 'initial investment' but not a solution to the crisis, reports Ms. Magazine, drawing on comments made at The 19th’s Building a Caregiving Economy for All event. (This was before the latest deal.) “It’s a great deposit into what we actually need in the long term—it’s not nearly enough to get us to where we need to be,” said Josephine Kalipeni, deputy director at Family Values at Work.
The child tax credit is coming July 15 and some people may need to opt out. It's all pretty complicated, but what financial transaction with the government isn't? CBS has a good breakdown. The TLDR seems to be if your tax filings are up to date, if you qualify you'll get the benefit (up to $3,600 per kid per year). But if your income situation is different from your 2020 tax return, you may not get it or you may get it but have to give it back. This IRS website can assess eligibility. Media say some 36 million eligible families have already been notified.
Childcare costs are soaring and the return-to-the-office phenomenon means more women may pull back from their jobs. Fed chair Jay Powell told lawmakers this week the lack of participation by caretakers is holding back the labor market, Axios reports. Costs are rising for diapers, food and other essentials, and wages for workers are up as centers try to lure back employees. A childcare cost index is above pre-pandemic levels and saw its biggest jump in two years. The lack of workers -- common across many low-wage industries -- means pay is rising an average of $2 an hour. All of that's getting passed on to families. Bloomberg looks at the toll of this squeeze on women just as employers are calling them back to the office.
Bloomberg also looks at a depressing trend affecting women after their childbearing years: Menopause is causing women ages 45-60 to leave the workforce. Economic insiders, including the Bank of England, say the issue is too big to be ignored. One estimate figures global menopause-related productivity losses can amount to over $150 billion a year. A survey from the UK estimated some 900,000 women there left their jobs over an undefined period of time because of menopausal symptoms. Many of these women would be eligible for senior roles, so their absence hurts C-suite diversity.
Bottom line: Caregiving still has to wait. It is simply not a priority and it’s so disheartening to see that. Everyone: this is NOT a women’s issue! It’s an economic one! :::stepping down from soap box, dusts off clothes::: Meanwhile, the checks are coming in weeks. Will they have the intended and expected effects of helping families and, by some estimates, cutting child poverty in half? Companies must focus now on the impact of return to workplace on caregivers — they talk a lot about diversity, and this is a huge part of that. They’ve got to get it right, or they’re going to make this awful situation even worse.
And now, the main event…
How to Have the Best Tired Mom Summer of…Your Summer
These are things I and other CC readers plan to listen to, read, consume, eat and wear this summer.
This list is not exhaustive…but we are! #momjoke
LISTENING
The podcast scene is exploding for moms and caregivers. I’ll be listening to these while walking in my nabe or the woods (oooh goals) or puttering around my house.
No One Is Coming to Save Us - This four-part series hosted by Gloria Riviera tackles America's childcare system, how it's broken and how we can fix it. Ok confession, I listened to a few episodes but not all of them. Riviera sets the tone at the outset:
“The whole way we do childcare in this country felt very broken. Then the pandemic hit and what was hard became impossible all of a sudden,” says Riviera, an ABC News correspondent in Washington.
She even talks to her mom about how she managed to find care for her and keep working. (She knocked on doors! Random doors!) Kristen Bell appears as the “Call It Like It Is” correspondent. A+.
Boston Fed’s Six Hundred Atlantic podcast, season 2. The Federal Reserve Bank of Boston tackles the reasons for the caregiving crisis and the implications of it in five episodes. This season follows an earlier season that focused on how disparities in where people are born and live manifest in terms of gaps in economic and social well-being. I’m glad that an institution as staid as the Fed is looking at this crisis. It gives credence for the argument I’ve long been trying to make: this is far beyond a ‘moms are burnt out’ issue; there are serious economic risks ahead and the more people that understand that, the better.
One Senator’s Decadeslong Fight for Universal Child Care by Slate. It's one episode of their 'What Next' podcast, and it focuses on Sen. Patty Murray, who has been talking about childcare for decades. I feel like I didn't get to pay enough attention to her when the relief plans were passed earlier this year, and I want to hear more. Clearly she was far ahead of her time.
The Double Shift. Blame the lack of commuting, but I've dropped the ball on listening to this podcast that does a great job of showcasing the crisis through the eyes of individual caregivers, and also tackles issues on broader levels. This is stellar journalism that’s so sorely needed.
Ali on the Run show Motherhood Live. CC reader Amanda suggested this podcast episode, which features a roundtable of moms talking about their struggles and those of all moms at all stages. The episode also raised $5,000 for the &Mother organization, which aims to break down barriers that limit mom’s choices to “pursue and thrive in both career and motherhood.”
The Deep Dive. CC reader Supriya says: “Sometimes you want to spend time with your friends... but don't actually have the energy to spend time with your friends. Instead, you can spend time with OTHER people's friends....in your ears. I've been into The Deep Dive hosted by comedians June Diane Raphael and Jessica St. Clair. These IRL friends and working moms of young kids riff on motherhood, money, guilt, grief, and much more. At turns hilarious, and incredibly real, this is the BFF hang you need.” Yahoo calls the new podcast a “gateway drug back to the world.”
Aaaaaand to counteract the rising blood pressure:
I’ll be listening to these chill tunes by friend-of-CC reader Jen Rae! DJ Konsept makes some good mixes to zone out to. And bonus, kid friendly.
Supriya says: “I have nothing to add here. Since I am not currently driving to work, I don't listen to the radio anymore. Also I am deeply uncool (I like animated musical TV! see below) While my husband was recently browsing for new vinyl at the Princeton Record Exchange, I bought Madonna's Immaculate Collection (itself more than 30 years old) for $2 to play in the CD player of my 13-year-old Prius. Get into the groove!1”
READING
Will this be the summer I put down my phone and read more books? There’s so much good stuff out there. Normally I read fiction (I feel like I get enough of the real world), but this summer I’m going non-fiction and I’m riled up.
‘Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do’ by Eve Rodsky. This is considered a must-read for anyone looking to sort out how to divide all that unpaid work that can weigh families aka moms down. Fair Play is credited with starting a national conversation calling for greater equality at home. The Fair Play cards would make a good 9th anniversary gift to my husband in a few weeks, right? (Note, Eve just announced she has a new book coming out toward year-end, ‘Find Your Unicorn Space’ about rediscovering your interests and setting new goals.)
‘Already Toast: Caregiving and Burnout in America’ by Kate Washington. She writes with first-hand knowledge of the toll caregiving is taking, having cared for her husband while he was recovering from severe illness. It’s been on my list for months and I’ll be reading closely — as Baby Boomers age, we’re all going to be caregivers of adults so we need to talk about the problems now.
‘Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual’ by Luvvie Ajayi Jones. This book pledges to show us how to live boldly in spite of fear and how to commit to not letting fear talk us out of things so we can move forward and make meaningful change. ::Ready!::
A "newsletter-bound serialized analysis" of Peloton by Anne Helen Petersen. Through her Culture Study newsletter, this culture guru plans on "exploring, analyzing and tying together the different components of Peloton, from its deployment of a studio system-style star system to its rhetoric of the body." She says she wants to build toward a theory of why Peloton, and why now? As a user of the classes (but not the bike!2) I'm intrigued, also because I do wonder what its wild success says about our culture and time. (Also, she has a book out on millennials and burnout.)
‘Moms Don’t Have Time to Read Books’ podcast with Zibby Owens. Yes it’s a podcast, but it’s all about books, so we’re sticking it here. I discovered Zibby through a MamaDen session and was struck by her drive and all that she has created with the ‘Moms Don’t Have Time To’ branding.
‘A Gentleman in Moscow’ by Amor Towles. CC reader Supriya says: “I read it before the pandemic and loved it. Then I read it again during the pandemic and loved it even more. Count Rostov was a charming character living through 20th century Russian history in my first read, and in my second read I could too-keenly identify with being a prisoner in my own home (albeit without a restaurant staff to concoct my desired delicacies). I loved escaping to the Hotel Metropol.” :::EFG adding to Goodreads post haste:::
For the children - Book It! by Pizza Hut. I just registered my kindergartner for Camp Book It! and plan to collect a 🍕tax. That’s the price you pay for literacy, kid. And yes I can still picture my pride at putting little star stickers on the lenticular button, filling it up and being driven to the Hut for my Personal Pan. Does the memory of those buttons fill you…err stuff you…with joy?
WATCHING
TV time is so precious. It is the most glorious and I’m hoping to squeeze in a few minutes here and there as I can, preferably while doing Diamond Dotz.3 As you can see, my theme seems to be ‘women behaving however they want.’ Here for it!
Everything Britney. I’d been meaning to watch the big Britney Spears documentary by the NYT for awhile, but after her testimony this week to end her conservatorship, I am horrified and must learn more. She said she ‘wants her life back’ (AP), and talked about being unable to get married or remove her IUD so she can have more children, essentially ‘reproductive coercion’ (The 19th). Truly horrific.
And in lighter fare:
Working Moms, season 5. It just came out on Netflix! If you haven’t seen this Canadian gem, give all the seasons a whirl. There’s an assortment of moms and stories, the first season was a little rough (in my opinion) but it gets crazier, funnier and sweeter as it goes on. Also, just imagine the subsidized childcare and paid leave Canada has. Swoon.
Good Girls, all the seasons. Also on Netflix. These moms love their kids, they’re in some crappy situations, some of their own making, some due to awful circumstances, and they do what they have to do.
Hacks, only one season. Intergenerational women dramedy on whatever HBO is calling itself these days. Sign me up. Jean Smart, I love you. (Note, gotta read this New Yorker profile of her. 47 years in the business!)
Physical, only one season. The new show on Apple+ stars Rose Byrne as a burnt-out mom in the 1980s who empowers herself by discovering aerobics and leveraging the then-new VHS technology to launch an empire.
Central Park, season 2 out June 25. CC bud Supriya says: “Missing Broadway? A fan of Bob's Burgers? Check out Central Park on Apple+. A warm-hearted but quirky musical animated (I KNOW, it's a LOT) show about a family who lives in Central Park and is trying to save it from developers. Featuring the vocal stylings of Leslie Odom Jr. (Hamilton), Josh Gad (Frozen) and — big swoon — Katherine Hahn, this show is delightful. My favorite song from Season 1? ‘Weirdos Make Great Superheroes.’”
WEARING
These visors. Don’t at me. Tempted to get one that says ‘Caregiver.’ And another that says ‘Subtle.’ I’m all about having no sun on my face anymore and if I can make sassy comments, the better.
Is this the summer I wear shorts? I ask this every summer, but it seems to be less rhetorical (in my mind, not in actuality) as the years go by. I’ll report back in the fall.4
I thought I fell in love with a bunch of jumpsuits/overall things on Amazon this week and they would become my summer uniform and I wouldn’t have to think about clothes. (I know there is a lot in that sentence.) But they’re falling apart already and I cannot recommend them. Instead, do you have jumpsuits/overall things you like? Hit me.
CONSUMING
I like to dust out my DGAF recipe for iced tea this time of year: take pitcher, fill with whatever temperature water you feel like, put in 3 bags of regular tea and 3 bags of flavored tea (me: Tazo Passion aka purple tea), put it in the fridge overnight or at least a few hours. Remove bags. Drink. You don’t need to boil and you don’t need to buy the pricier ‘iced tea bags.’ And you don’t need to set your tea out in the sun.5 For readers outside the U.S., sorry for what we do with our tea.
I need to eat bucatini. Did you know there was a bucatini shortage last year? This riveting read by Grub Street “What the hole is going on?” has had me thinking about this pasta for quite awhile. (Also, this is a crazy confession: I don’t really like pasta?!) Is bucatini easier to get now? Will it make me like pasta? We shall see.
Signing off
Thanks, as always, for reading. Please send feedback, your own Tired Mom Summer recs, gifs, anything and everything. See you in August. Hoping you find weeks/days/hours/moments of respite, in whatever amount, however you can.
Caregiving Crisis is a newsletter written by Emily Fredrix Goodman. We aim to publish every other week but other things may get in the way.
Can we PLEASE bring back all of this fashion? I don’t need the mom jeans. I want all the necklaces, the fingerless gloves and the attitude.
Best hack ever. Get a Schwinn stationary bike (IC3, IC4, etc) for far less + a tablet.
I’ve been working on the same Van Gogh dot masterpiece, ‘Wheatfields,’ for 8 months. Diamond Dotz are like paint by number, but with tiny plastic dots, so no mess. My ‘painting’ has 24,208 individual dots. I. Must. Finish. My husband is addicted, too, and is working on Darth Vader.
No matter what happens, I’m sticking with my Megababe thigh saver.
Plenty of people make sun tea! But it always makes me think of William Henry Harrison’s death just 31 days into his presidency, because our AP history teacher told us he got sick from the water that sat out during his inauguration. Seems like it was more than that, but I’m not going out like that guy. And yes, it was inevitable that this Tired Mom Summer roundup would have a footnote about a presidential death, wasn’t it?